👀 Still Need To Complete Lehigh's 5x10 Requirement?
If you also happen to be looking for the freshest new Mocos look, you're in the right place.
Remember when I said I wasn’t going to edit the newsletter tipsy off of dollar drinks? Well, I’m never doing that again. Because instead of haphazardly banging the keys to write a quick introduction, I actually had to sit with my own thoughts for more than five minutes. And there’s nothing Lehigh students hate more than reflecting on the dire reality that is life here (being sober).
From the sinkhole of broken dreams on Goodman, the Lookaway not being named by Lehigh as a “must follow” account, and running out of things to say we’re 14th at —It’s been a tough week.
Luckily, we’re here to make it a little better.
XOXO
Mommy Dearest
Five Unique Ways To Use Your Orientation Drawstring
Disclaimer: You should NEVER be seen WITHOUT your drawstring on. EVER.
Barf Bag
Puking your guts out less than two weeks into the semester is a Lehigh Right of Passage, so don’t be too hard on yourself when it happens to you. Believe it or not, when the Orientation Leaders hand you that awesome neon drawstring, their intention is you’ll be using it as a barf bag. Never go to frats without it, because you never know when you or someone you love might need it. If you want to be him, be him by having your drawstring ready for the next victim of alcoholism.
Rathbone Takeout
It is 7 p.m. You’re starving. You already see the line out the door at Rathbone. What the hell are you going to do? I’ll tell you. Get your drawstring ready, cut to the front of the line, and start scooping the food right into your bag. The workers will look at you funny, but that’s just because they are baffled that a freshman knows the proper way to use their bag. Even better, when you go sit down with your first-week friends, you can play “Guess what food you’re touching!” with your dining hall haul!
Mocos Fit
No other school darties the way
Lehigh does, and that being said, you ALWAYS need to bring your outfit A-game. Look, maybe you didn’t know what Mocos were before coming to school. Well, drawstring to the rescue! Bright colors are a Mocos must. All you need is a pair of scissors. Cut out leg holes on either side of the bag, and BAM! Now you have yourself a one-of-a-kind pair of shorts. Bonus points if your ass-cheeks hang out!
Essay Assistance
Your dickhead professor just assigned you an essay during your second week of classes. You and everyone else in the class is pissed, but what makes YOU different is that you’re gonna do something. It is beyond unfair for a professor to rob you of your free time so early in the semester, and you’re gonna let him know. In the middle of lecture, put the drawstring over your head and scream at the top of your lungs about how unfair it is. Explicitly state that you will not take the bag off your head until the essay is postponed or canceled.
Condom
College opens the doors to so many new experiences, including all the eligible bachelors, bachelorettes, and bachelorethems. I know you have been eyeing that mysterious chick down the hall, and let me tell you a little secret… she totally wants you. No condom? Who cares?! All that matters is there is something between your penis and her vagina, and luckily, thanks to your orientation drawstring, you have that something (bonus that it’s one-size-fits-all!!).
Diary of a Fifth Year
28 August 2023
Monday
Dear Diary,
It’s my last first day of school ever! I know I said the same thing last year, but this year is going to be different. CSE 303 will be my bitch this year– or, well, the TA will be. He seemed desperate for human interaction, and we all must make sacrifices sometimes.
01 September 2023
Friday
Dear Diary,
I went to Molly’s tonight. Since I’m 23, do I fit into Molly’s elderly demographic????
03 September 2023
Sunday
Dear Diary,
My friends in New York will not stop complaining to me about work. Like, I’m sorry EY is making you work 60 hours a week, but being a capitalist slave was your choice. And frankly, they are just SO jealous of me. They want to be back in college so badly that they are constantly trying to cut me down. It was sylly week; drinking for seven days straight does not mean I have a drinking problem, it means I’m embracing the college experience. It’s my last year for God’s sake.
06 September 2023
Wednesday
Dear Diary,
I don’t know anyone anymore. Why did all my campus characters graduate? Where’s the couple who were always 5 seconds away from fucking in the corner booth in Lower’s overflow room? I miss running into my freshman-year roommate (who peed on our dorm floor when she got too drunk) in Grog’s bathroom. Honestly, at this point, I’d love to see and avoid eye contact with any of my old hookups just for some normalcy in my life.
08 September 2023
Friday
I’ve never been humbled so quickly. A senior asked me why I’m still here. Some of us need five years, okay? I basically didn’t even have a sophomore year. I don’t know who you think you are, but like, maybe you should mind your own business??
5x10s You’ll Actually Learn Things From
Welcome, welcome new freshmen! On behalf of the university with the 14th strongest WSJ connections, we welcome your parents’ money. Before you can call yourselves fully fledged students, we've got some hazing mandatory onboarding activities for you. Remember that little blue book you threw away on September 1st? That one about campus activities and (ugh) safe sex? Those 5x10s in the back are calling your name... but stay strong and cover those ears, Lookaway fans, because we've got a few tasks of our own that are a little more enriching.
Enhancing Perspectives
Attend cultural events all month long, young readers, but nothing opens the mind quite like a double dose of bath salts from the scraggly townie down on Fourth Street. One of our writers spent last Friday night with him, and now won't shut up about the absence of free will, or the uniqueness but universality that unites every human soul. All that insight and I can't seem to see a downside.
Discipline
Ask a MechE and they'll tell you with that not-so-humble smirk that "the classes are pretty hard, but I'm used to it." Beat them in their own dick-measuring contest by asking them if they've ever swung a pickaxe before. A 12-hour shift at the UC construction site will give you the discipline of a zen monk, the grip strength of a powerlifter, and the back of a geriatric patient.
Overcoming Adversity
Maintain (and this is a difficult one) a conversation longer than ten minutes with a Chi Phi brother. Add one minute if he asks you your major, and add five if he gleefully and cartoonishly rubs his hands together when he learns you're a freshman. Bonus points if you get him to use a three-syllable word that isn't 'alcohol.'
With this knowledge base, there's no way for you to start your college experience on the wrong foot. Remember, nothing worth knowing can be taught, but we know from the bottom of our hearts that it can be learned the hard way.
Mistakes make the best stories,
The Lookaway
Sorry in Advance: Advice From the Lookaway
I can’t find people that share my Christian values on campus.
Dear Faithless First Year,
Obviously, you're not looking hard enough. I am confused about how you don't see that huge stone building in the middle of campus with a massive cross in it, or those annoying little signs spread across the main walkway. Sorry for the hostility, let me restart: I think you should go around campus and put huge signs up with your phone number asking people to come and share the love (of Jesus) in your dorm room; don’t forget your first and last name!
XOXO,
Sorry In Advance
I hooked up with this girl after a date party, but she left in the middle of the night. I don't remember her name and all I have is one of her frat shoes. How do I find her?
Dear Date Party Prince Charming,
Times are rough here at Lehigh. From handling inflation at Tally Ho’s to taking your gen-eds, you are so strong, regardless of how this crazy, psychotic, below your league, girl views you. But, to give you some advice on this obviously touchy subject: definitely post this long-lost shoe to Yik Yak AND Fizz. I am sure this will immediately connect you two star-crossed lovers once again, and you can consummate your love in The Ritz (the Amicus house, not the actual one. Who has the money for that?).
XOXO,
Sorry In Advance
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