👀Squirrels vs No Nut November
Registration, and Getting Sexiled
Hello and welcome back to the Lookaway.
Today marks the beginning of the 10-day challenge. Haven’t heard of it? Well, here it is: one beer for every game played in The Rivalry over 10 days. That’s 158 beers, 15.8 a day. It makes me wonder what they’ll do in 40 years when they are in the 20 beers a-day range. Will they extend the time period? Will Lehigh Students evolve to down brews at an unprecedented rate? Or will they just make it one drink for every game the Lehigh team wins so it stays a manageable 7 beers a day for the rest of time?
Lehigh Squirrels Wage War Against No Nut November
Once again it is that fateful time of year when the strongest of us undergo the arduous task of No Nut November. As the trial weakens our young men, the squirrels on campus prepare for war. Nut production from trees around campus has been cut by 69% by quirky earth and environmental science professors collecting samples in the area, and the squirrels have also overheard the growing whispers about the fabled No Nut November. However, they have no understanding of pop culture and have understood it to be a threat to their food source.
Both squirrels and people are incredibly defensive of their nuts this time of year in preparation for the long winter ahead. What, you think that stick that hit your head was from the leaves falling? Wrong, that was the tick-infested squirrel using bioweaponry. If it all goes according to the squirrel’s plan, half of Dravo will have Lyme disease by the end of the month. Don’t even get me started on frat flu this year, the squirrels have got the pathogen cycles planned out months in advance. No one’s immune system is safe.
Recently, they have started attacking our food supply as well. Do you think Hawk’s Nest closing for “renovations” is just a coincidence? Fool, the squirrels chewed through the power and gas lines to the building. The administration was close to leaving Hawk’s Nest operating anyway but when the Bethlehem Fire Marshall said “That building is a f***ing bomb waiting to explode” and threatened legal action against the school, the administration decided to cover up the damages. Officially, the administration is still deciding which fraternity to pin the blame on.
Common law states that you cannot harm the little rodents, even when they jump on you in groups of ten from the trees when you’re just trying to get to class and they steal your lunch money and rip up your homework and call you a loser and a “pink-skinned freak.” So unfortunately all the hope we have is to hunker down and let the squirrels wage war until November is over and they calm down.
The Do’s and Don’ts of Class Registration
Class registration season is once again upon us. The stress of creating the perfect schedule is on all of our minds for two weeks straight. Here are some do’s and don’t for the class registration season:
Do: Take the easy way out
Your academic identity can go one of two ways.
Path 1: You can be a passionate academic, dying to challenge yourself and absorb the fruits of knowledge provided by the rigorous education of your elite university. You register for the most difficult classes with the most work and the harshest grading system to prove to yourself that you can hang with the big dogs. Your GPA, social life, and mental health will suffer, but at least you can sleep at night knowing you gave it your all, that is if you find time to sleep.
Path 2: You can take the peaceful scenic route through college. Sign up for the easiest courses and cruise through them like you're in an endless lazy river. We recommend courses such as ENGR 025: The Art of Cars. Don’t fret, this course does not take an in-depth dive into the complexity of what goes into engineering an automobile, rather is focused on celebrating the classic Pixar film, Cars. You get an entire semester of Lighting McQueen, nail-biting Piston Cup races, and Infinite “Ka-Chows.” Imagine telling your six-year-old self that you got a 4.0 GPA and spent an entire semester analyzing the extraordinary masterpiece of cinema that is Cars.
Don’t: Listen to your Academic Advisor
Has that Hip Hop class been calling your name since freshman year? Does your counselor destroy your dream every semester because they tell you “This has nothing to do with your major” or “Med Schools don’t give a shit that you can drop it like it's hot”? Ignore the haters and follow your dreams. Will you have to take an extra semester or two to get your degree? Probably. Will your studies suffer due to spending way too much time learning useless choreography to Ice Cube’s classic We be Clubbin? Most definitely. Will you look like a genius once the MCAT adds a surprise breakdancing section to the exam? Fuck yeah, you will. In ten years time, you’ll get the last laugh when you're a hip-hop connoisseur AND a kick-ass doctor. In short: your advisor is a dream killing hater and you should cut them out of your life ASAP.
Do: Depend on Rate my Professor
Rate my Professor is the bible for all things registration. You need to treat Rate my Professor as if your on trial for murder and it’s the only loophole out. Watch out for some red flags though on your potential future professors. Did someone leave a negative comment from 2003? Dump the professor and run for the hills. Is there a suspicious amount of positive comments? So positive that your instructor could be hyping themself up by inflating their rating? Don’t fall for that nonsense. Find the balance of love and hate to ensure your future semester will have no regrets
Anyway, if this is so hard for you, you should just drop out!
Sorry in Advance: Advice from the Lookaway
My roommate keeps kicking me out of our room to have sex at the worst times. How do I exact my revenge, but keep our friendship intact?
Hi Sexiled Sally,
You have to be very meticulous in the way you go about getting revenge because there is a high chance that your roommate will pick up on it and easily be able to get you back. Step number one is vital. Pretend like nothing is wrong. Laugh at their subpar jokes and help them with their embarrassingly easy sociology homework, but do NOT under any circumstances tell them that there is a problem. They will be most vulnerable when they least expect your rage. Then, start sexiling them before they can sexile you. But just make sure you choose the most inconvenient times possible. They’re having a job interview on Zoom? Sexile. Their mom called them to tell them that their grandmother is in hospice? Sexile. Working on their final group project worth 90% of their grade? Sexile. They will eventually become so fed up with your “avid sex life” that they will ~get it on~ elsewhere, and you will have your whole shoe-box room all to yourself.
XOXO,
Sorry In Advance
This girl keeps giving me the most toothy head I have ever received. I still like her and want to continue our situationship, but how do I correct her methods without hurting her feelings, but succeed in preventing my penis from looking like a used piece of gum?
Hi Chewed up Charlie,
Sounds like you’re in a bit of a bind. If you haven’t been living under a rock, you’ve likely heard the expression “treat others how you don’t want to be treated” and we suggest doing just that. Give your toothy lover a taste of her own medicine. Next time you go down on her, get some teeth in the mix. The harder the bite, the better. Once she is inevitably uncomfortable, she will probably tell you to stop biting her so hard, to which you can respond “haha same haha.” If she still isn’t picking up what you're putting down, bite her a little bit harder. Once she starts to bleed, then she’ll know you mean business.
XOXO,
Sorry In Advance
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Atrocious