👀 Most Underrated Spots on Campus
Plus, innovations in hazing and Lehigh's dying music scene
It’s such a shame people haven’t stopped going to class yet. The unparalleled idealism of a new semester makes for such terrible traffic on the Packer Ave sidewalk. I can’t make it to my 1:35 in Rauch without walking bumper-to-bumper behind a wall of overstuffed backpacks the entire way.
What could you possibly have in your backpack during the second week of classes that’s making it bulge at its seams? Is it textbooks? Did someone forget to opt out of Learning Unlimited? It looks like a shell and you look like a turtle.
To be clear, you shouldn’t take offense to being compared to a reptile–I’ve been told I have a striking resemblance to Mark Zuckerberg–it’s just that if I waved a leaf of romaine in front of your face, I doubt you could resist chomping at it.
I should carry around a horn so I can alert these slowpokes that they’re making me 30 seconds late for a lecture I’ll start skipping after the first midterm.
Before classes get difficult, and you still have enough leisure time to spend 20 minutes walking to class every day, consider joining the Lookaway. It’s the closest thing Lehigh has to a secret society. In addition to writing for us, you’ll participate in weekly blood sacrifices, attend our monthly ceremonial magic workshops, and enjoy cloaked shenanigans in the vast tunnel network beneath campus. You can apply to our cabal HERE.
With Spurs Jinglin’ and Hat Tipped,
New Sheriff In Town
Cool Places on Campus You’ve Never Heard About
Say what you will about Lehigh, but there’s no denying it’s a feat of architectural splendor rivaling the London Bridge (and about as structurally sound, too). And while you’ll be here for four years (or five, or six, or seven), that’s hardly enough time to discover all it offers. Allow the Lookaway to take you on a tour of Lehigh’s most underappreciated spots.
The Grind
The least well-known of the Lehigh cafes, you’ve likely overlooked this hip little bistro in your frenzy to get to the always-occupied gender-neutral bathrooms nestled to the side of it. Stop in for a steaming cup of Lehigh River water, some hard-boiled eggs that have been there since 1865, or just sit and let the calming stillness of the FML first floor envelop you. Its peaceful serenity also makes it the favorite study spot of our writers.
Rauch Business Center
Once the home of Lehigh’s best and brightest, this building is in danger of being lost to the sands of time. Believe it or not, Lehigh originally tried to obtain permission to tear it down and completely replace it with the BIB. Luckily, Robert Durst (Economics, Lehigh University '65) was later convicted of murder in the first degree, earning these hallowed halls a spot on the National Register of Historic Places.
The Desk on the Third Floor of Linderman
Hidden by the water fountain on Linderman’s third floor, this stunning piece of woodwork is one of the few remaining desks originally designed for the library at the time of its construction. While this desk has no chair or outlet by it, and will break if you put your backpack on it, or your books on it, or a sheet of paper on it, or if you breathe on it or look at it too hard, it truly represents one of the greatest feats in carpentry history. Clear a few hours out of your schedule and take a trip to see it. Make sure to take it in, and don’t be ashamed if it brings tears to your eyes.
Take advantage of your fleeting time as a college student and visit all these places before you graduate!
Revolutionizing Sorority Pledging: The Next Generation of Annoying People
Welcome back to hell, babes.
I’ve spent the last week of my life in poor conversation attempts with countless sorority rushes, and I’m proud to announce that we have successfully procured our beautiful new pledge class. I promise you that you are not ready for our 45 blonde girls and 3 dwarf hamsters that are preparing to take the hill by storm.
That is, after they get through me. Pledgemaster.
I have become a master of the craft. After watching Fight Club 200 times, and even reading 1984 without illustrations, I feel like a man. This shit’s getting boring, guys. No more boobies jiggling on washing machines (sorry) or chugging fuck ass fruity little sissy drinks.
I’m raising girls that will make Helble shit himself. Behold the Alpha Balpha Alfalfa new member education plan.
One Minute of Eye Contact with a Chi Psi Brother
We’re called the Lehigh Lookaway, guys. I know how awful a quick glance with your classmate or professor is already, but I’m upping the stakes. No blinking. The fool may call this a staring contest, but the wise sorority baddie understands that it’s simply a test of willpower. If their eyes fall out, so be it, for we all have demons we wish not to see.
Hide-and-Seek at Iacocca Hall
Oh my god, I promise you there is nowhere else I would want to be trapped inside than Iacocca Hall. There’s just too many possibilities, guys. It’s literally the backrooms of Lehigh. You could accidentally eat mercury or see some bio students growing a frog with three eyes. Or even worse, DU reenacting Brokeback Mountain in the tower.
Vivek Ramaswamy YouTube Shorts Speedrun
Any documentary or podcast will tell you that sorority life is about the performance of the southern woman. And while we only really have women from southern Jersey, the GOP media consumption still must go on. I know they say that high-energy media is like, really bad for babies, and that’s how we get iPad kids, but these are my dopamine-dumpster Cocomelon babies. They are about to feel the beautiful power of overstimulation, and the hoax that is the “climate crisis.”
The Beast
Y’all ever heard the rumors about those extra walls that get put up when Greek houses get renovated? Well, a bunch of people are about to find out what’s on the other side!
Homesteading
If the whole demons…beast..afraid of gay people thing didn’t get it across, I’ll tell it to you straight. I firmly believe the Messiah will come soon, and I am a God-fearing woman. I am afraid not just for our sisterhood, but for life as we know it.
Therefore, I am making these hoes can as many goddamn potatoes as physically possible!! I told you sororities were all about the performance of a Southern woman, right?
Now excuse me while I do enough coke to sleep until hell be upon us, whether it is in the form of another pledge class or The Rapture.
Students Finally Notice Lack of Music Scene
Aside from band kids who gravitated to the Marching 97 and choir kids who became choir adults, Lehigh students seem to have lost any musical aspirations they had when they arrived as blissfully unaware freshmen, and as a result, there doesn’t appear to be any place on campus for students who want to explore genres of music that people actually listen to.
First and foremost, the rap scene has fizzled out. Gone are the days where SoundCloud rappers at this school would shout “you know who it is!” at the start of their songs and then proceed to aggressively freestyle about the shit they took after Jefe’s. However, Lehigh’s rappers of today appear to have finally realized that their listeners do not, in fact, know who it is, and as such have relegated themselves to writing lyrics about their feelings of inadequacy. “Back in the day I used to have 25 listeners, but these days it’s tough getting more than 7,” an alum who used to go by Yung Hawky pointed out. And this perceived trend indeed appears to be the case. Of the 10 rappers at Lehigh we surveyed, the top artist Mountainsloppytoppy has only 8 listeners, and 3 rappers have no listeners at all.
Rap is far from the only genre that's been sent to the graveyard. Country music appears to be long dead as well, as evidenced by the fact that men are no longer able to attract women simply by strumming a few chords on an acoustic guitar and singing about the history of the Confederacy. “I used to think being serenaded by the campfire was romantic, but then I watched Barbie and realized there was no point unless it was Ryan Gosling,” explained a female reader. Many men feel that their guitar skills have gone to waste. “Gawd damn it, man! I learned how to play guitar and forced an accent so I could pick up chicks, but none of them are interested in me treating them like shit and then singing heartbreak songs to win them back!” complained a hobbyist country singer and guitarist who forgot Ryan Gosling is literally him.
While rap and country are the biggest casualties of the Mountain Hawk music scene’s death, they’re hardly the only ones. Rock, metal, and punk all died out when the guitarists realized all the buildings here were so old that there was nowhere to plug in their amps. Pop died when all the Swifties realized Allentown wasn’t relevant enough for the Eras tour and flooded the campus with their tears. One can only pray that one day our ears can be blessed again, though one’s definition of “blessed” varies widely.
We’re Hiring!
In case you didn’t get the memo from last week, or to remind you if you’re procrastinating, here’s the application again.
Sorry in Advance: Advice From the Lookaway
I kinda like this guy, but he never texts me first and he only talks to me when he’s drunk. Should I assume he’s not interested?
Dear No Text Tami,
Oh, Tami. You silly girl, you. What the fuck would you do without this advice column? You are literally making the oldest mistake in the book. First things first, you need to get rid of this “I assume he’s not interested” mindset. Obviously, he is interested, because why wouldn’t he be? Also, c’mon, we all know he is just doing this so you want him more, and clearly, it worked enough for you to need to turn to the Lookaway for advice. Yikes. Secondly, have you sent him nudes? If the answer is no, I am going to stop right there. The answer should be yes. Ladies, we need to give in to these men. Do they want us for our bodies? WHO CARES!!!!!!! If you are not fond of nudes, then you should probably start figuring out if you could be bisexual. You never know what you don’t know!
XOXO,
Sorry in Advance
I have a statistically averaged sized penis (5.1 inches) and I know I shouldn’t be ashamed, but I am. How do I become confident with my mediocre dick?
Dear Average Sized Andrew,
Look, I am not going to lie to you and claim that “size doesn’t matter.” Like, OBVIOUSLY it does??????? If it didn’t, God literally would have made everyone’s dick like 8 inches. While yes, size does matter, it is not the ONLY thing that matters. Look, not everyone gets blessed with a horse cock, and that is okay, but the key to women is being confident with what is in your pants. Listen up, because right now is when all you average Joes are going to learn how you can really step up your dick (in)to pussy ratio. It is literally ALL about the motion of the ocean. Do you think Rebecca is going to give a literal fuck that you have a 15-inch dick if you can’t make her finish? She will not. But you, yeah I am talking to all you 4-5 inchers out there, you are going to do everything in your power to ENSURE that Rebecca has the best sex of her entire life. At the end of the day, size shmize. Confidence comes from cum, and that is exactly what you are going to make her do.
XOXO,
Sorry in Advance
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