👀 Lehigh Continues to Prioritize the Student Body
How to graduate without soul-crushing student debt, and an unfortunate misunderstanding in the Electrical Engineering department.
Hello and welcome back to the Lookaway.
Let’s cut to the chase: midterms are right around the corner. You’re probably beginning to regret all those times you pushed back the day you’d spend “catching up,” promising you’d “start tomorrow” or “have a productive weekend.” Maybe you think you’re playing it cool, but just know I’ve noticed the drastic increase in both nervous pacing around FML and time spent nuking the gender-neutral bathrooms. I get it. It’s rough out there.
But it’s even rougher for me. You people are hogging all the library spots where I eat chips and write internet lies. Go home and study already! Maybe D’s get degrees, but playing footsie on the quiet side of FML does not. You fucking sluts ruin everything! Just kidding. I love women.
XOXO
Mommy Dearest
Quid Pro Quo Case is Not About Cleanliness
An electrical engineering professor was put on leave after grooming his students, the wrong way.
“When I first heard that my professor was grooming students, I thought it was great. Some of my classmates could really use it,” one sophomore studying electrical engineering said.
“I thought he may have been weaning his students off of 2-in-1 shampoo or educating them on the benefits of aluminum-free deodorant. Maybe he was emphasizing the importance of replacing blades and using shaving gel to mitigate razor burn. Turns out he was just being a predatory creep. I was disturbed by the news, but ultimately disappointed that he was not the role model and beauty guru that I assumed him to be.”
The Rossin College of Engineering and Applied Science conducted a formal investigation before dismissing the professor.
“We had to make sure he wasn’t just recommending hairstyles that suited his students’ face shapes or suggesting the addition of sunscreen and retinol to their skincare routines. We thought he may have been the Jonathan Van Ness of Lehigh, but it turns out he was more of a Justin Roiland,” a spokesperson for the college explained.
“Once we determined the professor was not giving his students reality show-worthy makeovers, we fired him. It looks like someone else will have to tell guys in Packard’s halls to shave their patchy facial hair.”
To rectify the situation, the electrical engineering department plans to host a hygiene seminar where they will show Patrick Bateman’s morning routine from the movie American Psycho.
Lehigh Implements 'Hunger-Induced Learning' Program in Latest Cost-Cutting Measure
BETHLEHEM, Pa. – In an effort to save money, Lehigh University has announced a bold new initiative: They will no longer serve food on campus.
“We plan to remove every dining hall on campus by the end of 2023,” reads a University Announcements email you ignored, “Since the closing of the UC, internal research has found that hunger can actually improve learning. So, we are happy to introduce Lehigh’s new ‘Hunger-Induced Learning’ program.”
"We believe that this program will not only save us money, but will also provide our students with a unique learning experience," the statement read. "By eliminating the distraction of food, we allow students to focus on their studies. We are confident that this will lead to greater academic success."
All students and staff on campus will be automatically enrolled in this program and will be expected to fend for themselves in terms of meals. LU Dining says, “After removing Upper and Lower Cort, our next steps target the Fud Truck and Rathbone, followed by all campus water fountains. Lucy’s Cafe will remain, as it appears students don’t know where that is anyway.”
Many students have reacted positively to the Hunger-Induced Learning program. "I never realized how much money I was spending on food until now," said Jessica Bessica, ‘28, "I feel empowered knowing that I can save that money for more important things, like tuition!”
While some students have praised the program for helping them save money, others have criticized it for being cruel and inhumane. "This is unacceptable," said Jimmy Butts, ‘24, "I cannot focus on my very hard BUS 003 homework if I'm actually malnourished.”
Lehigh University is standing firm in its decision, though it appears that those who brew mead in their dorms and eat the shower mushrooms will be spared.
The Lookaway’s Guide for Miserly Mountain Hawks
There are certain absolute truths in the universe. For example, we all know that the earth takes 365 days to circle the sun, that hoes don’t get cold, and that I slept with your mom – several times.
Perhaps the most absolute of these truths, however, is this: Between the 80k you lose to tuition, the 2k dues you pay for the privilege of cleaning a variety of fluids off of chapter house floors, and the monthly $20 you drop on ChatGPT Plus because it’s cheaper than therapy, you, as a Lehigh student, are broke.
But not to worry! We’re here to teach all you poor Davids out there how to bend the Goliath of student debt over backward and really show it who’s boss.
1. Don’t use the Lehigh laundry machines
This is probably the easiest money-saving scheme of all because let’s face it: Most of you smell like you’ve never even heard of a washing machine anyway. But just because we’re suggesting that you don’t surrender 6 bucks to lose half your socks and gain a pair of stranger’s underwear, doesn’t mean you should forgo laundry altogether. Our university’s campus just so happens to sit beside the Lehigh River, and it just so happens that the water quality today is better than it’s been in the last 175 years – so grab a washboard, that 3-in-1 body wash your mom buys you and get a move on! Too lazy to walk the two blocks downhill even for financial gain? Just wear your clothes into the shower for a two-birds-one-stone kind of deal.
2. Steal*
Sure, you’re getting a CSB degree so your dad can give you a job at the fintech firm he works at. Sure, it’s an honors program and you think this means you’re prepared for the real world. Well, you’re not. Want to develop a real-life skill? Start sneaking food out of Hawk’s Nest undetected. The real world isn’t about how good a person you are – it’s about how unethical a person you can be while convincing others of your moral uprightness.
*The Lookaway does not condone stealing.
3. Live off the land
Take a page out of the Outing Club’s book and live your life au-natural. After all, according to Big Science, the world’s gonna dissolve into chaos and an eventual giant ball of flame by the year 2050 anyways. Why waste time that could be spent among the deer and the dogwood sheltering in man-made structures? Save 15k by pitching a tent beyond the U.C. front lawn fence and start appreciating South Mountain’s natural beauty.
4. Dip your toe in con-artistry
Are the first three options not tickling your fancy? If so, option four might be for you. Are you horrified by the lack of Squirrel-Watching clubs on campus? Jealous of UChicago’s Shire of Grey Gargoyles of the Society for Creative Anachronism? Well, we aren’t either, but the university doesn’t need to know. Be a “campus hero” and relentlessly work to fill every gaping hole in campus culture, all on Lehigh’s dime. Just be careful when it comes to bringing the Concrete Canoe club from the University of Wisconsin-Madison to Lehigh; our D1 rowers may actually be into that one!
Sorry in Advance: Advice from the Lookaway
Should I confess my feelings for my friend in a relationship?
Hi Horny Homewrecker,
Absolutely. So what if your friend’s current partner is the person of their dreams with a stunning physique, great personality, and bright future ahead? So what if your friend has literally never been happier in a relationship than they are right now? So what if your friend sentimentally confided in you that they really think this could be “the one”? You’re undoubtedly better. Make sure you tell them your true feelings in a promposal-type fashion, publicly, with a large poster board. They will see this as a demonstration of how much you want to be with them and will immediately leave their current partner. Good luck, and make your fun sign rhyme!
XOXO,
Sorry In Advance
I'm like really burnt out from college. I don't do my homework anymore, and I barely attend class. How can I get it together enough to graduate without having a mental breakdown?
Hi Failing Fifth Year,
Wow. Your problem is so unique. Can you sense our sarcasm? Even the second-semester freshmen are burnt out. Put yourself in their shoes, or can you not remember what that’s like since you’re SO OLD? The whole not-attending-class thing is really not a problem; just keep making excuses as to why you can’t go. So what if it’s your fifth grandparent that just died? Maybe one of your grandmas had eight husbands that you’re really close to – the various professors in your Technical Entrepreneurship program will understand why you can’t cut out snowflakes with scissors today. As for homework, just don’t do it. Ever heard the expression C’s get degrees? Or is that just a thing that “Young People” say? If you still feel the need to do your homework, do it drunk. It will be more fun, and you’ll probably get the grade you’d get if you did it sober, anyway.
XOXO,
Sorry In Advance
Before you go,
If you want to continue supporting the Lookaway, make sure you follow us on Instagram and Twitter. If you love the full articles, subscribe so you never miss one.