👀 It's All Over...
Well, not everything. Only the things that matter, like Mommy Dearest's yearlong reign over us and 2023.
Hello and welcome back to the Lookaway.
Can you believe it’s already been a year of Mommy Dearest’s reign of terror? Well, I can. I do this shit every week. But, I wouldn’t have it any other way.
I’ve had the privilege of serving as the Lookaway’s third (and premier) Editor in Chief. I’m forever indebted to past leaders including Big Daddy the Chief, Big Dog, and all the past girlfriends who undoubtedly kept things running for them.
As a woman, I had to find my own way of maintaining the power structure. In other words, taking credit for good work, after putting in the least amount of effort possible (which, ironically, is not too different from how I found myself in this position of power in the first place). For that, I thank all the lackeys and newcomers who willingly succumbed to “bonding” rituals, and while I may be stepping down to preserve my sanity, I’ll certainly make myself known to our fresh faces in the spring (when, by the way, we’ll be recruiting).
But speaking of work…I haven’t had to pitch a joke for our Instagram in a while. A MEAN while. Rest assured that when I do, it’ll be a banger. I mean a CUM-FLAVORED-ICE-CREAM kind of banger. Yeah, that was a good one.
From Gun-Girl coverage, to fabricating a hate campaign against Grace the Police Dog, to all the other sharp political commentary that you just can’t get anywhere else, I’m pretty proud of what the Lookaway has accomplished so far.
To all those who recently schmoozed and gaslit their way into Lookaway leadership, well done.
To those who periodically accuse me IRL of being Mommy Dearest, fuck you. I can lie straight through my teeth. Try me.
And to those who read my humble, hungover introductions, thank you.
With love,
Mommy Dearest
p.s. we still have some shirts left. get them here.
It’s Rewind Time!
Well, 2023 is finally coming to an end. As we get ready for the soul-crushing, mind-numbing, cock-and-ball-torturing time of year known as finals week, we at the Lookaway figured we’d soothe your mind by writing a shameless appeal to whatever morsel of nostalgia can be dug up from a year of hangovers, heartbreaks, and hills. Here’s a recap of 2023 highlights.
Castle Closure
Also known as the worst trade deal ever approved in this country (maybe ever), the shuttering of the CUC(K) marked the start of an era of hardship for underclassmen. They could no longer go to Lower for an extremely mediocre dining experience, or Upper for a quick way to drain meal swipes, but had to instead haul their sore, tired asses to Rathbone, where grumpy men slam plates and hungry diners get a beautiful view of abandoned factories. This shift represented suffering for those who got used to constipation from UC food, as now they have to instead adjust to diarrhea from Rathbone food.
Roman Empire Takeover
And no, we’re not talking about asking young men how often they think about it. Rather, we’re referring to the ghost of John Simon influencing the minds of Greek organizations to engage in behavior that will net them a one-way ticket to the geed life. Fraternities have seemingly forgotten that while campus administration is willing to turn a blind eye to making women uncomfortable, butt-chugging 4 gallons of absinthe prior to your 21st birthday is a no-go and will result in your chapter’s removal from the hill. The fall of Greek life likely precedes the rise of something called Roman life. We don’t know what that is yet, but you, dear reader, will be the first to know once we figure it out.
Eardrum Abuse
Lots of things happened in the music world this year, and they likely hit different campus demographics in different ways. If you’re a business major, you and your buddies probably chorused “literally me!” when you heard Metro Boomin sample Homelander on one of his songs (you forgot that sigma male trend got old 2 years ago and you’re all just extremely unlikable, but no one blames you for that). If you’re a sorority girlie, you likely got more annoying than ever after Taylor Swift dissed her exes for the 13928498398459th time. And of course, if you listened to anything else, you’re a weirdo and probably think being different makes you cool when really, it just makes you lame.
Things We Really Need To Stop Giving Men the Power To Do
We live in a patriarchal society, and anyone who says we don’t is fucking lying. That being said, we as a nation, and we at the Lookaway, don’t nearly shit on men enough. There is too much shit that goes unnoticed that NEEDS to be noticed, and not only just noticed, but ridiculed. Here is a list of things that men should not be allowed to do, and if they do it, well, they shouldn’t.
1. Have over 1,000 followers on any social media platform.
I’m sorry but there is no reality where you, as a man, need this many followers. Social media should be a place for you to connect to your FRIENDS and FAMILY, and I know you don’t have that many friends. Having over 1,000 followers just proves one thing. You are a slut.
2. Ask questions in class.
This one is kind of self-explanatory, but as a man, you should just know things. Why are you raising your hand and bringing unnecessary attention to the fact that you literally don’t know anything at all? Embarrassing if you ask me.
3. Own a Pavlish sweatshirt.
Are you really going to tell me that you thought it would be a good idea to spend $20 on a sweatshirt with a cute little guy holding a beer on it? Be so for real. Besides the fact that this shows you don’t value money, it also shows that you are a follower and an alcoholic. Both of which are very unattractive traits.
4. Throw up from drinking.
If you are STILL doing this, in COLLEGE, you seriously need to check yourself. Why don’t you know your limits? Why do you feel the need to chug from the Crown Russe handle? That is actually so fucking weird of you. Stumbling around slurring your words as you try to rizz is NOT cute. Stop it.
5. Type in all lowercase.
This is one of the worst possible things a man can do. Obviously, a woman showed you how to do that. AND on top of that, you are a master manipulator, trying to make everyone around you think you are so chill and laid-back, when in reality, you just FUCKING SUCK.
6. Take selfies
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