Freshmen get Creative, Marching 97 goes Rogue

An in-depth examination into the most recent drama going on at Lehigh University

Welcome back to the Lookaway. We’re almost a month into the school year so you’ve probably already contemplated switching majors, skipping zoom classes, or just dropping out altogether. Don’t worry, we’re right there with you.

Freshmen Resort to Desperate Measures to Meet Each Other

This semester is going bad for most students. For freshmen, it’s going terrible.

Think back to your freshman year. I’m sure you remember it as a delicious sundae of booze and sex, with a little sprinkle of cocaine and failing your classes. The cherry on top – that sweet East 5th basement that you knew could refill your depleted reserves of dopamine.

Unfortunately, freshmen are now facing the harsh reality of online classes. The shimmering vision of college depicted in “Animal House” has been replaced with… what, jerking off during online classes? It’s definitely a mess.

Samantha Johnson is a freshman who is currently experiencing these issues. She says that the only thing left to bring the first-years joy is something she called “Drinking in Your Dorm Just to Wander Around Campus and Stand in Large Circles on the UC Front Lawn at 9 PM on a Thursday.” Our condolences go out to her and her fellow year-mates.

Another first-year, Kyle Strauzer mentioned that he would sometimes DM girls he found attractive on Zoom just so he could get their Snapchats. “Sometimes it’s hard to tell what their faces look like because of the low resolution, but in those situations, I go with my gut feel,” he said. Inquiring to know more, we found out that he has not had much success with that strategy, but that his hopes remain high. Strauzer has two harassment cases opened against him, but that seems to be unrelated.

Ladies, keep your heads high! Remember that Prince Charming might be right across your dorm hall. But for now, you might have to resort to stalking his Instagram, Facebook, and YouTube channel from middle school.

And boys, there are plenty of fish in the sea, so don’t give up! But until you catch one, just know that you are stuck holding onto your rod.

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Marching 97 Picks up Odd Gigs 

In an attempt to maintain some sense of normalcy this fall semester, the Marching 97 have picked up gigs at Funhouse and the Lehigh Valley Nursing Home. They even made an appearance at the COVID test site on the Rauch lawn. 

Since the band won’t be able to bust into classes this year during Lelaf week, they decided to sneak up on people as they performed their required COVID-19 testing. First year Lara Rhodes said “I was in the process of spitting into the test cup when I heard the blaring sound of the Lehigh Fight Song. I got so scared I peed myself a little.” 

At Funhouse last Tuesday night, a group of Marching 97 sophomores had just received their order of fake IDs and were eager to use them. They arrived at the venue early and guzzled down $1 Long Island iced tea’s. By the second song, first trumpet Cara Bell ‘23, shot up and sprinted towards the bathroom. Unfortunately, Bell didn’t make it in time, puking over a table of a mother with her two young children who were sitting as far from the band as possible. 

A few weeks ago, the Marching 97 played at the Lehigh Valley Nursing Home. While playing Sandstorm by Darude (a typical crowd pleaser), 92 year old veteran Arthur Horowitz suffered from a PTSD flare up and had to be consulted by a nurse. 

If you’ve somehow missed the 97’s recent performances, you can catch them next Saturday at the Comfort Suites for a Liberty High School student’s Quinceañera.

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