👀An Intimate Sit-Down With a Saxbys Barista
Mastering the Coveted Lehigh Lookaway, and Maintaining Your Relationship With Your Soulmate Through a Semester Abroad
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Hello and welcome back to the Lookaway.
You may be shocked to learn, but Mommy Dearest doesn’t exactly have spring break plans. Lucky for me, and unlucky for you, I’ve long since checked out of the Lehigh grindset. While I’m only just on a plane out of Pennsylvania now, I actually decided that my spring break began last week with a post-midterm bender. Did I complete any of my upcoming assignments so I could enjoy my trip stress-free? No. But what else is a bender for? See you soon – we’ll ride this wave straight to mocos.
For now, enjoy some esteemed Lookaway advice. Peace out motherfuckers.
Love,
Mommy Dearest
The Art of the Lehigh Lookaway
As a second-semester senior, I’ve learned pretty much all of the Lehigh tips and tricks. I know which websites have the sluttiest, yet highest quality, date party dresses (Princess Polly, not Shein), I basically understand how the Campus Connector works, and I can tell when Johnny’s iced coffee is going to taste like muddy water just by looking at it.
All of these accomplishments pale in comparison, however, to my greatest achievement of all: finally perfecting the art of the Lehigh Lookaway.
Whether it’s the freshman Tinder match who lied to you about his age (that makes it legal, I think), or the townie you ambushed and took home from Molly’s last weekend, you probably start your Sundays with some scaries. And to make matters worse, this isn’t Michigan or Wisconsin. I can guarantee that you will see those characters again. Probably tomorrow in FML, if we’re being realistic.
But don’t fret. Everyone knows that you can’t be held accountable for drunk decisions, and there’s no better way to avoid responsibility for your actions than by pretending the boy who was in your bed two hours ago doesn’t exist.
That being said, I now present to you my parting gift – the definitive step-by-step guide to mastering the “Lehigh Lookaway.” Because after all – just because he’s been inside of you doesn’t mean you have to say hi!
Step 1: The Eye Contact
So the slightly hairy and socially inept boy you had sex with last weekend is standing mere inches away from you in the Saxbys line. Sure, you could just ignore him altogether. You could stare down at your phone as he struts past you to grab his Philly cheesesteak grilled cheese (what the hell) and his iced matcha latte with almond milk (are you sure he had a penis?). But that’s too easy.
You’ve had the man’s balls in your mouth, for crying out loud. You at least owe him a glance. But how long should you hold this stare, you ask? After four years of trial and error – and having to repeat STAT 11 twice– I can proudly say I have mastered the mathematical equation. Lock eyes for two seconds longer than he lasted in bed. So in this man’s case: 5.
Step 2: The Speed Walk
Once you’ve acknowledged each other, you may be tempted to alleviate some awkwardness with a quiet “hello” or at the very least, a subtle head nod. But no. Don’t give him room to ignore you, but be the ignorer yourself.
What is a hello going to do anyway? Indicate that you’re socially competent? No. He’s a man, not a human. Do you think Rosa Parks would have stopped to say a round of hellos on her way to the back of the bus? Fuck no! It’s called feminism. Keep walking, sister.
Step 3: Don’t Look Back
Ok, by now you have held brief uncomfortable eye contact and scurried past. A job well done, you may think. But one more important note, and perhaps the most important note of all: don’t look back.
You may feel guilty at first. You may regret merely breezing by the boy who told you he’s “never felt like this before” as he was grabbing his Vineyard Vines quarter zip to leave your room at 4:23 a.m. today. But no. Have you ever seen a horror movie? The characters who look back never survive. Make sure you do.
Service With a Smile (and if You’re Lucky, a Suck & Fuck)
The air is fragrant and hot here, the espresso machine constantly churning out waves of the rich aroma. Students are gathered throughout the cafe, ordering $7 lattes and panini-pressed, greasy sandwiches, or sitting at tiny tables littered with week-old fingerprints and eraser shavings. I wait patiently in the annex booth as they finish their shift, bringing me an oat milk cappuccino (discounted a full dollar) from the cafe.
They toss out air kisses and light shoulder touches to numerous girls, boys, gays, and theys, before finally sitting across from me, flushed and perspiring from the social activity.
I thank them for meeting with me, and remind them of the sanctity of the anonymity of a Lookaway Writer. They understand. “I’m good at keeping secrets,” they offer with a wink. I feel myself blush in response, but quickly collect myself. This was a professional interview, after all.
“I’m wondering if you could tell me what it’s like…” I say between sips. Fuck, this shit is smooth.
“The sex? Or working here?”
I laugh. “Well, I guess both.”
They lean back a bit, catching the eye of another student patron, their face carving into a side-swept smile.
“I’ll give it to you straight– which I’m not, by the way– this gig has gotten me so much pussy, so much fucking shlong, I quite honestly can’t keep up.”
There’s real distress in their eyes.
“You know, when you sign up to be a campus barista your sophomore year, you think, sure, I make minimum wage but I’ll get to make fruity little expensive drinks and flirt with the customers. It’s the job description. Editor’s Note: It does say “sexually queer” and also “hot” were preferable for applicants.
“But I’m cycling through bitches and hoes faster than those bastards in SPD now that they got their house on the hill,” they add.
“That seems really tough,” I say.
“Thank you for saying that.” Suddenly I notice the way they maintain intense eye contact and bite their lip in between thoughts, so I cough and break my gaze.
“How are you coping?”
“Well, I thought if I started spitting in people’s drinks, or writing ‘slut’ on their cup, it would turn them off, but it actually made it worse. I guess some of those Theta girls have daddy issues or something, and they actually keep coming back for more.”
“That’s like, well, I bet it’s like, really, really hard,” I fumble. All I can think is, What am I doing? What am I saying? Why do I feel like this?
They shake their head, look away. Silence for a moment, a long moment, and I feel I’ve said too much. The tension gets to me, and I open my lips to apologize, when suddenly they reach over and stick their thumb in my mouth.
“What are you doing after this?” they say.
Editor’s Note: Due to a conflict of interest, this is all I can say at this time. Saxbys Barista, if you’re reading this, I miss you.
How to Keep the Long-Distance Marriage Pact Spark Alive
Long distance is hard; for this reason, studying abroad often spells the end of relationships and the beginning of casual hookups and a love affair with chlamydia. But I’m not like other study-abroad students. Back in October, when a rigorous 52-question survey revealed to me my dream woman, I committed to marrying her and decided that no distance would stop me. Sure, she claims that she only thought of it as “a funny thing,” and that she “doesn’t even know me,” but I see through her act. I am determined to keep our spark alive, even from overseas.
How do I do it, you may ask? The secret is keeping things personal. The bountiful gizmos, gadgets, Snapchats, and DMs of the modern day keep it easy as ever to maintain contact (even without the knowledge of your partner). Not helpful enough? Follow these tips for inspiration on keeping your romance alive if you feel the girl of your dreams drifting away.
DO stalk Snap maps. She has this turned on so she can see her Bitmoji making funny faces, and YOU can take advantage of this. Check Snap maps every thirty minutes to make sure she’s at home waiting for you like a good woman. If you notice she’s at Theta Chi and are consumed by jealousy wondering if she’s with Brad, Chad, Josh, Jack, Jacob, Logan, Sean, Cody, Zach, Mike, Big Mike, Gavin, Garret, Trevor, Luke, Kyle, Dylan, or Brad The Second, shoot her a quick text reminding her that you know where she is and what she’s doing – that should send her running straight from the sweaty arms of Brad The Second, right back into yours.
DON’T bring up your issues. You won’t want to communicate; if that’s what you wanted, you’d be dating a psychology major. Bottle up all of your anger, insecurities, and feelings, and stay a strong, confident man.
DO remind her of past trauma. Did she one night get too drunk and confide in you about her pesky ex, or maybe about her father that likes to drink too much? While your first thought might be to run as far as possible from the damaged goods, don’t worry! This trauma gives you the upper hand, and allows you to extort her should you ever need to. You can use her vulnerability to guilt, manipulate, and gaslight her into staying with you.
DON’T ask for phone sex. Distance is hard, and while you may want to get your Leaning Tower of Pisa standing straight, continuously asking her for phone sex will make her feel like a piece of meat instead of your soulmate. Instead of asking, try demanding it. Set the expectation early that weekly phone sex is required, and can only be skipped with a valid excuse. Setting these expectations early ensures you won’t have to ask her over and over, which protects both your sexual needs and her feelings of self-worth.
With these steps in mind, you should be on course to sail smoothly into the future with your soulmate. Enjoy your semester abroad, explore the world and yourself, and most importantly, rest easy knowing that you are capable of keeping your woman in line.
Sorry in Advance: Advice from the Lookaway
Am I allowed to post nudes on BeReal?
Duh ~ !!! BeReal differs from other social media platforms in that it allows us to show ourselves in our truest, least curated form. Raw, authentic, beautiful. Covergirl. But you know what’s not “real???” Clothes. Shirts and pants only cover our most divine bodily areas, masking us from Being Real (for lack of a better term). Sure, some people may unfriend you and complain that they “don’t need to see your nips” while they’re eating their Mini Wheats in the morning. But those people?? Those are the same people posting their BeReal 8 hours late to showcase the mid Theta Chi party where they’re literally standing in the corner. Who needs ‘em? Not you! So let those titties ride and let those peens sway. Accidentally post a nude and have random acquaintances comment on the post saying “did you mean to post this”? Treat it as a joke. Yes, random acquaintance, you did mean to post it. And CLEARLY, they don’t have a sense of humor.
XOXO,
Sorry In Advance
How fast do you have to walk to out walk a “d1 athlete”? Some of these “athletes” walk slow as hell.
We’ve all been there. The 120-pound wrestler is in front of you, impossibly taking up the whole sidewalk. You overhear him SCREAMING on the phone to his teammate about how his glutes are “so sore” and he “needs him to massage them ASAP.” You can’t say “excuse me” (he has cauliflower ear, he can’t hear you), and you can’t walk around him or his fragile ego will be hurt. The only thing you can do to make it around him, and maintain his self-esteem, is to physically push past. Make sure you get a running start and just kind of knock into him. He will probably be startled, but his petite frame is no match for you. Once his wrestling instincts kick in, he’ll immediately dodge your body, allowing you to frictionlessly brush past. Freedom!
XOXO,
Sorry In Advance
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