Advice from the Financial Aid Office, Lehigh Football Dominates
An in-depth examination into the most recent drama going on at Lehigh University
Welcome back to the Lookaway. Wow, what a wild week it’s been. First years all over campus continued to slowly die of boredom, some guy got Instagram clout for posting about lantern flies, and athletes threw “crazy” parties without any concern of repercussion. All in all, just another week on the hill.
Lehigh Offers New Financial Advice for Students
In a recent statement by the Office of Financial Aid, Lehigh has suggested that students should pick up “illegal narcotic smuggling” in order to help pay for the rising cost of tuition.
“While times are definitely tough on many students, they should be doing everything they can to earn their degree” said Jen Mertz, the Director of Financial Aid.
Some may think this is a bold move from Lehigh, but a quick look at their previous advice shows that this is nothing new. In 2006, the office suggested for students to “have wealthy parents, or alternatively wealthy grandparents pay for your education.” It seems the university is a bit out of touch with students on financial issues, which is echoed by an independent survey done by the Lookaway team.
We asked both students and faculty what they think is their biggest financial burden. 73% of students reported “the ever-increasing tuition” and 45% of the faculty answered “Rathbone’s $15 entrance fee.”
For any questions about how one could get into the narcotic selling game, Jen Mertz said that students should reach out to “the man who resides in the back room of the Philosophy Building, he definitely uses pot.”
The Lookaway cannot condone the advice from the Office of Financial Aid, however we do believe that it is, indeed, sick as hell.
Lehigh Football Gets Back on Track
In their first exhibition game since coming back on campus, Lehigh Football took a trip to Broughal Middle School to take on the Rockets. Our guys fought hard for four quarters and emerged victorious 75-14.
The football team is currently coming off a 3-7 season in which they lost the only game Lehigh students pretend to care about.
The Mountain Hawks went down early after Lehigh fumbled to a bunch of middle-schoolers and the ball was returned by 11-year old Billy Conway for a score. On the pursuing kickoff, Conway went down with a neck, back, and leg injury after a hard block by Lehigh’s senior captain Lou Washington. A report from St. Luke’s said Conway is currently in “Critical Condition.”
Lehigh quarterback Elliot “Shotgun” Van Huntington ‘22, had the game of his life, setting school records in passing yards and touchdown passes. But Huntington’s head wasn’t fully in the game. Said Huntington, “I was just trying to impress the moms.”
This comes a year after Huntington threw more interceptions than touchdown passes.
Highlights from the Broughal side include a 40-yard touchdown from 7th grader Joshua Rothstein, who unfortunately had to leave the game shortly after due to a Grade 4 concussion.
This game comes two months after the Patriot League announced they would be canceling all Fall sports. While the football team is optimistic their season will be played in the Spring, let’s be realistic fellas.
Next week Lehigh football will be taking on last year’s intramural football champions, a group of now-sophomores with the team name, “Show me Your TDs.”
Before you go,
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