👀 Stop Being a Cougar, Hacking the Bus
Plus, some tips on making friends as a Granola Girl
Welcome back to the Lookaway. It’s date party season, so get your dresses, blazers, and handcuffs ready. Prepare for a night of making out on a school bus and carrying your gbig into an Uber. Boys, nut up and ask a cutie, and girls, hopefully you don’t get set up with the frat’s resident weirdo.
Spotting Freshmen: An Accidental Cougar’s Guide to Going Out
Let’s face it, the Lehigh boy selection is getting old. No pun intended.
As I approach the end of my thrilling Lehigh career, faces are becoming uncomfortably familiar. There are too many people to avoid, whether it be someone I tried and failed to get with or someone who tried and failed to get with me. After all, one can only drunkenly flirt with the same disheveled Chi Phi boy so many times.
That being said, it's expected—biologically programmed even—to gravitate toward the newcomers. But these boys, fresh outta high school, lack the life experience that you have. They confuse East 5th with West 4th. Half aren’t potty trained, and most are still breastfed. And you are not a mother.
With age comes wisdom, so I figured I should do God’s work and share some much-needed tips on how to identify and avoid freshmen boys. Because fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, and I’m an aggressive cougar.
We'll start with the easiest and most obvious method of recognition: the “on door” huddle, the group of boys frantically Googling “funny joke haha” to get into the subpar party of a frat that isn’t going to rush them anyway. You may spot a cutie in the bunch, but you must walk past. It’s not worth it. You won’t live it down, I promise.
Now, let’s talk physical. Prepubescent boy who looks 12 years old? Freshman. Randomly attractive boy who looks 30 years old? ALSO a freshman. Before you desperately attempt to rationalize it to your friends because “he doesn’t look 18,” stop right there. Don’t embarrass yourself, sweetheart. Beeline past.
If you see a boy anxiously scanning the room while trying to appear like he’s having fun, enunciating rap lyrics a little too vigorously, → freshman alert. This one’s self-explanatory.
Ok, you’ve found a boy, one you think has potential and who appears to be of legal driving age. All is going well until they hit you with “what’s your major?” Code fucking red. Run, bitch. Run, and never come back.
Hopefully, you’ve learned how to spot these toddlers and now stand a chance of protecting yourself.
How to Get the Packer Express to Stop Where You Want it
We all know how useful the bus is at getting up and down this mountain we call a campus, but it is far from perfect. Too often, your destination is just a little too far from the nearest stop. Remember, 100 yards is a lot farther when you’re moving up a 80 degree incline. Well, fear not, weary travelers. Here are some tips to manipulate the bus route to something that will fit your needs a little better.
1. Form a deep connection with the bus driver and guilt trip him.
Grab any seat up front and strike up a conversation with your driver. It can be about anything, but their interests probably include buses, transportation, and roads. Be sure to mention how heavy your bag is and how your knee hasn’t been the same since your skiing accident last winter. It might take a handful of rides to get to know them, but eventually you will get them to pity you enough to take at least a 5-minute detour.
Pros: Works more than once
Cons: You need to be social
2. Fake a sickness.
Grab your stomach and start moaning about how you had a Rathbone omelette this morning. Get loud enough for the whole bus to be looking at you. Then pull trig into your backpack. You’ll immediately get shoved off the bus right at your destination.
Pros: Easy to execute after mocos
Cons: Messy
3. Call in a bomb threat.
Once you are on the bus, use a burner phone to call LUPD. Say something along the lines of “I have attached an explosive to the Packer Express that will detonate if it is not traveling faster than 50 mph in the direction of [insert your address]”.
Pros: Ensures a quick trip to your destination
Cons: The cops have probably seen Speed
4. Hijack the bus yourself.
Pretty straightforward. Just wrestle the driver out of their seat and take control. Once you get where you need to be, tell them it was all a big prank and point out all the cameras. Ideally, everyone will laugh and move on.
Pros: Very effective
Cons: Puts you on an LUPD watchlist
Making Friends as a Closeted Granola Girl
Summer camp is over, babe. Time to pack your hippie shit away and put on your white sneakers, black tank top, and jeans for a night in a basement. Oh, and don’t forget to trade in your Subaru for a white Jeep so you don’t get called a lesbian (you’re obviously bisexual). School’s back in session, so while you may be Colorado Basic, you’re definitely Pennsylvania Weird.
Lehigh kids’ idea of the great outdoors is going to mocos, so here’s how to make some friends on campus that will climb a tree with you and maybe, just maybe, go on a hike. Here’s how you can spot a prime-time liberal in a sea of accounting majors.
The clothes are a dead giveaway. If she’s wearing Chacos, Tevas, or especially Keens, you’ve got yourself a crunchy gal. Beanies, bingo. 5 panel hat, of course. Friendship bracelet, maybe. Friendship ANKLET, there you go. Sprinkle in a necklace with a random word on it, and you’ve got yourself a winner.
Does she say phrases like “dude” or “do you like rocks?” Does she wear hiking boots to Molly’s? No, she’s at Bonn. Silly you. Does she like her Saxbys with oat milk? No, she makes her own espresso at home. Does she go to El Jefes for a late-night snack? No, she’s cooking beans and chicken on her backcountry stove on the front lawn. No, she’s a vegetarian.
Don’t get yourself too down if you don’t fit in at Lehigh. You gotta remember that we all have things in common. If nothing else, we all have a crippling nicotine addiction.
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