👀 Making Moonshine in Your Dorm, Getting Bought Out
Plus, an inside look on what it's like to be under 5' tall
Welcome back to the Lookaway. This Thursday marks the beginning of the most wonderful time of the year: football season. While getting drunk off beers, screaming at my friends, and causing physical damage to myself is nothing new, it’s nice to now have a reason for it. I think Lehigh football’s season may have started as well. Does anybody know how that went?
How to Make Moonshine in Your Dorm
Hey there, champ. Life got you down? Are you holed up in your freshman dorm, too scared of COVID to party, but still craving that neon-blue hard alcohol? Well, fear not, you insobs (involuntary sobers), I have a moonshine recipe for you that will put some real hair on your chest and some real blindness in your eyes. And the best part is that all the required components can be sustainably sourced from your local Rathbone.
First, you’ll need the tools of the trade. Most of these can be scavenged from the stacks of dirty dishes. If you put on a black hat, you can easily sneak through the door and grab lots of pots and stirring spoons before anyone stops you. Handfuls of straws can also be linked together to create high-grade tubing to transport your home-brew between containers.
Next come the ingredients. Packets of sugar are crucial for obtaining a high alcohol content in your hooch. Potatoes and corn are ideal choices for the mash, but the occasional apple sauce batch is good for the fall season. The best option is to bring your baggiest pair of cargo pants and load up. If you are feeling risky, you could try to grab the whole tray and run, but I know from experience that the Lower Cents stairs can be tricky to navigate with a hot tray of homefries.
Once you have all the tools and ingredients in your room, you can finally set up your dream white lightning operation. Hot plates are a great choice for a reliable heat source. However, if you are trying to follow your housing agreement (or if you’re on a budget), a great renewable source of fuel are free t-shirts you receive around campus. They can also be used to strain the solids out of your corn liquor before distilling.
After this, pretty much follow your family recipe, or any other guide and you’ll be the liquor kingpin of your floor in no time. If you’re really successful, you could even put this on your resume as independent chemical research. I hear Dow Chemicals really thinks that’s cool. Or put that firewater in a fancy bottle and name it something like “Lehigh Mountain Dew,” and flex that B+ in Marketing 111.
Have fun brewing!
leHigh buys thE Lookaway Publication
This week Lehigh University has announced that they have purchased the Lehigh Lookaway including staff and publication rights. This is very good and acceptable because we here at the Lookaway love and respect everyone at Lehigh University. We also believe that this recent merger will give the Lookaway a new and exciting direction. Some new changes coming soon are:
No more slanderous posts about Holly Taylor, Joe Helble, Ric Hall, or former President John Simon. We respect our leaders and should not criticize them.
No more business school jokes. Finance students take things at their own pace, and that is okay.
Only writing truthful, but more importantly positive, statements about Lehigh’s academics. We are a prestigious university.
All posts will now be sponsored by donors in order to raise money for the Go Campaign for Lehigh. This article is sponsored by Lulu and the Pantry One family.
All editors have been replaced with Lehigh’s Marketing department to ensure a cohesive Lehigh brand and image.
We are dearly sorry to any group, organization, or person who has previously been adversely affected by our content. We promise that our future writing will help our Lehigh University community build a better path forward to a campus with no jokes of any kind.
If you would like to see your precious Lookaway friends again, send 2 million dollars in unmarked bills to the Alumni Memorial Office.
Being 4’11’’ at the Fetty Wap Concert
I’ve been short my whole life. In middle school, they used to call me names like “little boy,” “tiny dancer,” and my personal favorite “the smelly one” (although that last one is for different reasons).
I thought that coming to Lehigh things would change: where people would finally see me for who I am and not my tiny manlet stature. However, I was wrong. After being cut from every fraternity (yes, even ATO), I realized that my height was just something I had to get used to — something I had to own.
So I did. Being short isn’t something I’m ashamed of anymore, or at least it wasn’t until I went to the Fetty Wap concert. The moment I arrived, I immediately noticed that the organizers were not thinking about people like me when planning the event.
The stage was maybe five feet off the ground, and the front lawn wasn’t at enough of an incline for me to see over the crowd. Instead of seeing the man who really likes those four numbers for some reason, I just watched the sweaty backs of countless college students.
I mean, if I really wanted to see a bunch of young men sweat, I could just go to my dad's yoga sessions he runs with his close friend Todd.
For the entirety of the concert (all 35 minutes of it), I pretended to sing along to songs I did not know while wishing I was literally anywhere else. Hopefully, Mr. Wap's next concert is at a venue that's more accommodating for people like myself, like a preschool or veterans hospital. All in all, I don’t think I’m going to another concert anytime soon until I either grow an extra foot or Fetty Wap releases better music.
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