👀 Formula SAE gets STDs, Interviewing the New President
Plus, the Rathbone Gas Leak isn't what we thought it was
Welcome back to the Lookaway. Big changes happening in South Bethlehem, as Old Man Simon’s suppressor just got named. He’s a Lehigh alumnus turned Ivy League professor, so there are high expectations for the new guy— and I cannot wait to make fun of him on this account for the next few years. We actually had the chance to interview him, have a read.
A Q&A With Lehigh’s 15th President: Joseph J. Helble
The Lookaway staff conducted this interview yesterday, April 26th, 2021. The team is still uncertain how to pronounce his last name.
Your first exposure to higher education was as a Lehigh Student. What drew you to higher education as a career?
Well, I always wanted to be a race car driver while growing up. My parents were always supportive of it, and my dad would even let me drive to the grocery store when I was only thirteen. My father would say “Ok Joey, daddy’s gonna drink some of his happy juice and then you can drive daddy to the medicine store to get more happy juice.” We became really close because of this. Sorry… What was the question again?
Why did you pursue a career in higher education?
Oh right, sorry. Sometimes I just get lost in my own thoughts and totally zone out. Won't happen again. Pinky promise
*Let the record show that at this moment Joseph Helble reached out to the interviewer with only his pinky extended, in an attempt to lock pinkies. This would complete what is referred to as a ‘pinky promise,’ although he was left hanging.
Alrighty then, so to answer your question I really got into higher education when I first attended Lehigh. I noticed how easy it was for an organization to effectively conduct itself as an institution designed only to empty the wallets of families around the country, with seemingly no repercussions. I was going to be a chemical engineer, but the profit margin of running a bank- uh, I mean, university, just seemed much higher.
What role can an institution like Lehigh play in the important work related to diversity and inclusion?
Wow. Great question. Being a wealthy old white man in America, I think I know a thing or two about diversity and inclusion. As my eyesight is failing with age, I can no longer see color, so how can I possibly have any biases? Additionally, I had a childhood friend who was Italian, so I think my record of inclusion speaks for itself.
Can you talk about the value of a liberal arts education to society?
The liberal arts are very important. Society will always need people to fill those jobs the rest of us just don’t want to do. I find it empowering to meet an undergraduate and find out they are studying psychology, and know that in five years, I will give them my order at the local Starbucks. It's the moments like that which make this job worthwhile.
Formula Team Gets Freaky, Pays the Price
Last week our nation’s top scientists, also known as LVHN health professionals, made shocking discoveries after observing members of the Formula SAE Team. Doctors found what they described as “Exhaust pipe induced dick rash,” and are classifying this condition as a newly discovered STD.
“It’s always shocking to find STD’s in patients that are still virgins, but there’s no doubt as to the source; those engineers had sex with their car,” one doctor noted, surrounded by students covered in grease stains and euphoric expressions on their faces.
Symptoms have been found to include: limited to non-existent social circles, hobbies that no one else wants to hear about, and third-degree genital burns (exacerbated by extensive use of machining grease).
To understand why anyone would want to have sex with a car that falls apart as soon as someone tries to drive it, I sat down to talk with one of the members of the Formula SAE team who had contracted the new disease. “It’s something about those curves, the grease, the smell of burning pubic hair. Her transmission gets her from 0-60 in 4.3, but it gets me from 0-satisfied in 1.2,”
“She just gets me like no one else, and I never have to deal with the problems you face when talking to a human.” Referring to this year’s car, which has been nicknamed Mia Car-lifa (alternatively, Lana Roadster, or Formula “Buns”).
Unfortunately, Lehigh’s clubs have a history of creating extreme medical conditions by having sex with things that were never meant to have sex with. A year ago the president of the cheese club hosted an orgy with a 10-pound block of swiss cheese leading to a mutated strand of Covid; in 1978 a member of the outing club had sex with a squirrel and had the worst case of testicular torsion on record to date, and in the 1950’s a member of the marching 97 had sex with another member of the marching 97. The resulting casualties nearly destroyed Lehigh’s number one mediocre halftime entertainment group.
Now I know what you’re thinking: is this Formula team STD outbreak going to affect me? Well let me lay your concerns to rest; doctors highly doubt any spread of this disease as no member of the formula team has had sex with another human since 1983.
Gas Leak at Rathbone caused by TikTok Trend
The following transcript was obtained from LUPD following the arrest of 3 students responsible for the panic and shutdown of the Monroe Jackson Rathbone II dining hall (Bone) early Thursday morning.
Officer A: I can’t believe you idiots. The whole track team is on my ass. How are they all going to run shirtless through campus in an uncomfortably close pack if they don’t get their early morning eggs??
Officer B: Yeah, unacceptable guys. Now, we need to get to the bottom of this. According to the employees, they heard one of you say, quote, “Yo! That’s gas” unquote.
(Idiot) Student 1: Yeah, honestly officer that’s my b.
Officer A: …
Officer B: That’s it?! Why would you say that?
Student 1: I mean, the bacon was kinda poppin. And you know that TikTok, where the guy is like “yo this shit’s bussin”?
Officer B: No.
Student 1: Oh, well, we wanted to make that once we got our plates.
Student 2: Yea! So then I was the bussin guy, it went hard.
Officer A: The employees thought the gas leak was going to explode! Incredibly irresponsible. What the hell is wrong with you guys?
Student 3: Officer, did you see the tok tho? I think I nailed that last part.
Officer B: Ah yes, the “sheesh” part.
Student 3: Bruh. It’s not sheesh. It’s sheeeeeeee.
Student 1: Yeah my guy, don’t pronounce the sh.
Officer A: This is so beyond irrelevant. You guys created a panic, we had to send a Hawkwatch notification to the entire campus. That’s a big friggin’ deal. The last time we did that was when Simon got into the liquor cabinet and was cursing out chicks naked outside Neville.
Office B: This is going on your personal records. All of you are already on disciplinary probation for having a “Party in the Pit” in the College of Health construction area last spring, so this is really the final straw. You’re really going to have to take responsibility for your actions if you want to stay at this school. Do you have anything to say for yourself?
(Students in Unison): SHEEEEEEEEEEEE!
At this point, the video feed cut out. However, the audio included muffled thumping and exclamations of “Yo! Not Chill” and “That’s My Good Leg.” The students’ injuries are officially “unrelated,” LUPD tells us they fell down a flight of stairs whilst trying to record a TikTok remix of Ski Mask the Slump God’s “Drop it on my cock.” #fyp #xyzabc
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